Soap is not a condiment
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
