she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
