Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
