I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
