when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
