Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
