Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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