i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
