I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
