I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
