It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
