I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
