Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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