I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
