Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
