she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
