Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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