I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
