I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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