theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
