why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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