hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
