I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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