i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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