I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
