I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
