the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
