i used baking grease as lip gloss
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
