I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
