my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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