I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
So squirting runs in the family.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
