Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My penis needs a shock collar
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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