Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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