I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
