laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
