genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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