guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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