Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
tonight lets celebrate not being married
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
