Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I need water and some morals
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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