I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
