So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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