Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
