does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
