im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
