Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
