i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
