It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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