Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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