The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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