I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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