Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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